God Jokes

 

KNOCK KNOCK

“who’s there?”
Jesus
“What do you want?”
I want you to let me in.
“Why?”
So I can save you from what I’ll do to you if you don’t let me in.

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THE POPE IS TRYING TO CONVERT THE MAFIA.

Pope: “I’ve got an offer you can’t refuse. Accept it or be condemned”
Mafia: “Wait. That’s what we were going to offer you!”

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CONFESSIONS:

An old man goes to a church, and is making a confession:

Man: “Father, I am 75 years old. I have been married for 50 years. All these years I had been faithful to my wife, but yesterday I had sex with an 28 year old woman.”
Priest: “When was the last time you made a confession?”
Man: “I never have, I am Jewish.”
Priest: “Then why are telling me all this?”
Man: “I’m telling everybody!”

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CHURCH SIGNS:

“What happens in Vegas
Is Forgiven Here”

“I Wish Noah Had Swatted those
Two Mosquitos”

“Don’t Make Me
Come Down There” – God

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HOW RELIGION PROCESSES SCIENCE

SCIENCE: “There appears to be no god making this happen”
RELIGION: “SHUT UP!”
SCIENCE: “But, the evidence shows this happens by itself!
RELIGION: “I see. Isn’t God so clever to make it run by itself?”

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THE PASTAFARIAN PRAYER

Our pasta, who art in a colander,
Draining be your noodles.
Thy noodle come,
Thy sauce be yum,
On top some grated parmesan.
Give us this day our garlic bread,
And forgive us our trespasses,
As we forgive those who trample on our lawns.
And lead us not into vegetarianism, but deliver us some pizza,
For thine is the meatball, the noodle, and the sauce, forever and ever.
RAmen